A Christmas interview, exclusive to Charlbury/

Wed 10 Dec, 16:09

Interviewer: My guest tonight in the psychiatrist’s chair is a household name, but very few people know more than a few lines about him. Tell us about your childhood, Rudolph - were you a happy youngster?

Rudolph: At first, yes.

I: So when did it all change? When did you realise that there was something different about you?

Rudolph: Oh, it took a long time. We didn’t have mirrors, you see. But gradually I realised that all the others were laughing, and calling me names.

I: Calling you names?

Rudolph: Schnozzle. Sneezy. Nose-Job. Oh, they all thought it was hilariously funny. I’d go out looking for a game, and they’d fall about laughing at their own wit. Here comes Rudolph, anyone not had a flu jab?

I: So you never got to play?

Rudolph: Not a single bloody hand. Said my nose gave me away at poker, and I was using it to signal in bridge. There was one who really fancied himself as a wit; came up with the black leather reins and the riding crop and suggested a round of dominos. I kicked snow in his face.

I: So it was a lonely childhood, really? How did you spend your time?

Rudolph: Did a lot of reading. Igloo Monthly; Snow Business; Cooking with Tundra. But it palled, it palled.

I: But then it all changed, didn’t it? One foggy Christmas night ...

Rudolph: You’re referring to my brief moment of fame? Yes, one foggy Christmas night, and Santa came to say –

I: Rudolph with you nose so bright,

Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

Rudolph: That’s what he told the papers. What he actually said was ‘Hey you, if your arse is as red as your nose there’s a job for you’. He had a foul mouth on him, did Santa. All those chimneys, and all those glasses of sherry. Not to mention the mince pies. He didn’t sit at the back for nothing, you know.

I: How did the other reindeer react? We’re told they laughed and shouted out with glee.

Rudolph: Of course they did. We were so late starting, they were paid time and a half plus bonus. It was in the performance agreement, you see – Just-In-Time delivery or you’re off the case and the contract goes to the fairy.

I: Oh. But you’ve been famous ever since, you’ll go down in history. Did you have a sense of destiny as you took your place in the lead?

Rudolph: Sense of destiny? I’d have done better with a sense of direction. You ever been lost in the fog on the M25 outside Slough and your map-reader’s stowed the map underneath two stone of carrots?

I: So it wasn’t a bit like it was in the song, then?

Rudolph: Nope. Got back absolutely knackered, didn’t even have time to put the embrocation on the hooves before Santa puts out a press release. He’ll do anything for publicity, that fat guy. And it’s a slow day on the news desk, two cub reporters come up on expenses, get rat-arsed and write this daft song on the sleigh back. Santa thinks it’s wonderful – kept going on about free name recognition, now he’ll be in all the trade journals ...

I: But you must have had your share of the royalties, surely?

Rudolph: Royalties? Me? Don’t make me laugh. Didn’t get a penny piece. I’m only the bloody reindeer, aren’t I?

I: Nothing? Not one red cent?

Rudolph: Are you trying to be funny?

I: No, no, I ...

Rudolph: Because I’ve heard them all, you know. Red scent, leading light ... nothing new. You can take your pick of the nose jokes.

I: But you did have some television deals, sponsorships, endorsements?

Rudolph: Oh yes. Two television advertisements - one for a hay fever remedy, and one for cherry chocolate mousse. Typecast all the time. I wanted to do something sophisticated, something lifestyle - Gucci, Ralph Lauren, Louis Vuitton - what do I get? will I please pose for a line in commemorative hat racks, and an endorsement deal for aphrodisiacs made from antler fur?

I: But you did get to lead the procession in the Winter Olympics, didn’t you? That must have been a thrill, surely.

Rudolph: You just don’t understand, do you? More typecasting. I wanted to compete, not drag a sleigh full of snowheads. And why the Winter Olympics? Don’t they realise it’s bloody cold? I wanted to be in the regular Olympics. Hurdling maybe. Or synchronised swimming. Break the mould. But no. You do what your agent says, your agent knows best ...

I: So, to sum it up, you feel as if you’ve been rather led by the nose, is that right?

Rudolph: Look, the only reason I said I’d do this bloody interview was that they said you were hot on empathy. If all you’re going to do is make cheap jokes, you can take this mike and ... stick it up your nose. Oh bugger it, it’s that bloody word again! I’m off out for a fag and a trough of Guinness. If they want a repeat performance this Christmas, that’ll make the little buggers hop.